Something Around to be Loved: Conversations with Depth and Conflict

Growing up (sometimes referred to as maturation) seems to include many different ways to mark “progress.” There are birthday or age related milestones (old enough to drive a car or buy a beer). Pieces of paper can signify development (diplomas or professional certifications). There are numeric ways to track the growth of skills (the big one here for me is my golfing handicap, but I assume there are others). The one I would like to elaborate on is the rise of what I call “backsplash conversations.” Growing up is marked by a sharp increase in backsplash conversation entanglements. 

It is important to note that these conversations need not be about kitchen backsplashes or anything else that might pop up on Home and Garden Television (to make a point within a point, HGTV has an average of 1.31 million viewers at any given moment of the day; people love listening to other people have backsplash conversations). I overheard the conversation King Turd up on backsplash Shit Mountain while watching a baseball game from the family section this March. It concerned the relative merits of a condominium versus a townhouse for a second, spring training home. But I am getting sidetracked.

The frequency this bucket of conversation happens really accelerates post-college. Apparently being an adult requires a deep love for talking about home projects. “I had this backsplash in the kitchen that used to be a decorative, green, porcelain tile that just gave off a lethargic vibe that clashed with my vibe and the vibe of the room. The kitchen is a place of warmth and I like to think of it as a gathering place in the home where some of our best family memories happen. I want to facilitate this mood with every decision I make in designing my dream kitchen. So that is when I narrowed in on three options for the backsplash…” You have participated in this conversation before.

I have no issue with pride of ownership. If devoting time to decorating, fixing or maintaining your space gives you joy, then rock on! I hope you find all the labor rewarding and the relevant decision making fulfilling. Also, in small doses or as the result of a particularly arduous and involved process, I will offer my ear to your backsplash tale.

What frustrates me is that backsplash conversations seem to be the only type where adults seem genuinely interested in having such open-minded, meandering and constructive conversations. For some reason, the tools perfect for solving big problems are deployed exclusively on small problems. We seem all too eager to debate paint samples, but show no interest in applying these conversation strategies to topics of substance. 

Insignificant backsplash conversations invite deep curiosity and respectful discussion where unchanging, unquestionable dogmas reign over topics central to our being. Someone with a conflicting political viewpoint is an asshole, but someone who prefers the beige to the taupe backsplash is not met with such bias. One’s assumptions on philosophy, religion, career or relationships are personal and beyond reproach. But assumptions on subway tiles are open season for prodding. We may have honed these Adam Grantian skills on discussions of how natural lighting strikes glass tiles, but why keep them trapped there?

I challenge you to approach the next conversation about something serious or heavy with the same mindset you would use when talking about a backsplash. The tactics for engagement should be the exact same, but the benefits will be exponential with real stakes involved. You have the ability! I hear you skillfully utilize creative tension discussing grout ad nauseum. Go on and apply that ego-removed, thoughtful, unbiased curiosity to something that matters!